


this (too) shall pass

by popnographic



Series: Rarepair drabbles [21]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 15:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6334183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popnographic/pseuds/popnographic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guilt mixed with self-indulgence is never a good mix, and he knows it, yet Kisumi can't seem to learn until he's had a few experiences too many that leave him in a bad situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this (too) shall pass

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for [Iska](http://iskabee.tumblr.com) and intended to be kept a secret just between the two of us, but I felt like being nice for once. Happy Christmas! (It's Easter soon, isn't it? Happy Easter, I guess, ha ha.)

It starts as a couple of stolen glances his way, deliberately throwing an arm around his shoulders and, really, being his usual self though maybe a little exaggerated. People usually don’t think about it, and Rin probably doesn’t, either. Kisumi doesn’t, at least not in the beginning, but then it slowly creeps up on him like the weird feeling lingering stubbornly in his stomach, and the increased heartbeat that comes with just _seeing_ Rin, even when he’s being lovey-dovey with Makoto. As he should be, because they’re the ones who are dating, and Kisumi isn’t part of that equation whatsoever.

This isn’t supposed to be happening.

Kisumi hides it well, or so he thinks. They’re good friends, and he can usually disguise his flirty jokes and playful behaviour as something completely innocent and friendly. Because that’s what it’s supposed to be, that’s what _they’re_ supposed to be. Friends.

And yet this is happening, and it’s a little snowball at the top of a hill at first, but then it slowly starts rolling down, and it gets bigger. And bigger. And Kisumi doesn’t know just how to stop it, because he’s too slow, and then he finds himself pushed up against the wall in his hallway, Rin’s lips pressed against his own, and he for some reason asks himself how it came to this.

But how _couldn’t_ it come to this? He’s transparent like glass, and there was no way Rin _wouldn’t_ find out. Sure, Haruka was able to figure it out, but he’s _scarily_ perceptive. Kisumi likes a lot of things about Haruka, but this is one thing he isn’t so sure if he likes about his friend. And it isn’t as if Haruka would tell Rin—Kisumi knows Haruka wouldn’t even think of doing such a thing despite the things he may say sometimes about Kisumi.

“Can you—Rin, _stop_ ,” Kisumi manages between kisses, putting his hand on Rin’s chest in an effort to push him off. Rin does pull back, and he looks like he’s just been greatly offended, which just makes the entire thing worse, because that isn’t what Kisumi wants.

“Was I wrong?” he asks.

Kisumi hesitates; he really doesn’t like that Rin’s found out after all this time, because it was supposed to be a secret he’d take to the grave. Apparently, fate had other plans in store for him. It shouldn’t really surprise him, seeing as he barely _ever_ has any luck whatsoever.

“No. Why are you doing this?”

Rin rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t look angry or upset. “Why do _you_ think I’m doing this? Why do you think I came all the way to your place this late at night?”

 _Because Makoto isn’t home, and you hate being home alone_. Kisumi doesn’t know if the first part is true, but he does know the second part is. Rin doesn’t outright admit that he hates being home by himself, but it’s easy to tell seeing as he’s always looking to hang out with someone whenever Makoto isn’t at home and he for once hasn’t gone with his boyfriend. And honestly, this could’ve very well been such an instance, where Rin just wanted to hang out.

But then there was a kiss. And then another.

Kisumi wants to ask ‘ _what about Makoto_?’, because that’s the logical thing to ask in a situation like this, where Rin, who’s dating Makoto, has come over to Kisumi’s place late at night, and it isn’t to just ‘hang out.’ But as desperate as he is, and as _happy_ as Kisumi is that this is happening, he shoves the thought into the darkest room of his mind, locks the door, and throws away the key.

And instead of responding verbally, Kisumi shakes his head, shakes his heavy thoughts off, and tells himself he’ll deal with them at another time (which he probably won’t). He smiles, pulls Rin close for a kiss again, and lets himself be selfish. It’s a mistake in the making and he knows it, but in this moment of blind happiness, love and lust, he can’t bring himself to care that it is.

 

* * *

 

They begin seeing each other in secret; always at Kisumi’s apartment when Makoto’s still at work, has a late meeting, or when he’s at Haruka’s place. He wonders if there would ever be a possibility that Makoto has an affair with Haruka behind Rin’s back, if Makoto could go so far. Because the Makoto that Kisumi knows most certainly wouldn’t do that, but then again, he hadn’t really thought this about Rin, either.

The first time they have sex, it feels weird, but isn’t a _bad_ kind of weird. It’s foreign, it’s new, and it’s exciting, and while Kisumi sometimes feels like he sees Makoto’s name flicker across his vision, he lets himself indulge. If Rin came to him, how can he _not_? If Rin wants this, then it has to be okay, right? That must mean he can allow himself to go along with whatever Rin wants, since it’s most likely what he wants, too.

From then on, it isn’t awkward, or weird. It feels _right_ , even though they _are_ sneaking behind Makoto’s back and doing something they shouldn’t be doing. For the first few weeks, Kisumi is completely blind to reason, he’s deaf to the voice of his conscience, and things couldn’t be better.

But then his capability of hearing his conscience yelling at him returns, and he starts being able to see that this isn’t going to work out in his favour. It might seem like it _is_ , but in reality, Rin isn’t his to keep. Rin still belongs to Makoto, seeing as those two haven’t broken up—they haven’t even _fought_. Makoto and Rin was always that one couple Kisumi thought would withstand anything, but he wonders if infidelity is included in ‘anything’.

“I should probably head back,” Rin says, though he makes no effort to actually get out of bed. Kisumi doesn’t want him to, but there’s no use in saying that because it won’t matter. Things aren’t exactly set in stone, and there _is_ a possibility for Kisumi to get what he wants, but he knows that possibility is very slim, barely existent.

“Yeah,” he replies. Rin still doesn’t move; his head is still resting on Kisumi’s chest and he’s still buried beneath the duvet of Kisumi’s bed, seemingly intent on staying despite his words.

This is what he’s wanted since he fell for Rin way back when, and it only grew stronger once Rin returned his feelings. They both know what they’re doing is wrong and that they probably should’ve stopped the snowball rolling down the hill before it grew this big. What Kisumi has right now is pretty much all he’s ever wanted, though it still feels wrong since Rin doesn’t belong to him, and—considering how long they’ve been at this—probably never will.

He blames himself for what’s happened and what’s still happening, even though Rin tells him not to. It takes two, and they’re definitely both in on it, but Kisumi is the one who doesn’t fit the picture.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Are you going to be at Haru’s this weekend?” Rin asks, having finally—or unfortunately—gotten out of bed to dress himself.

What choice does he have? Kisumi can’t really say no since he knows the others will ask what excuse he has to not attend, and he’s already sick of lying to his friends as is. Especially Makoto. Makoto doesn’t deserve this, he deserves so much better, and shouldn’t want to be friends with someone like Kisumi who sleeps with his boyfriend behind his back.

“I guess so,” he sighs, and Rin sits back down on the bed, taking Kisumi’s hand in his and kissing his knuckles.

“And here I thought you’d be excited about going to see Haru.”

“Rin, we really shouldn’t—“

“Do you want out? Then you need to tell me you do, because up to this point, you haven’t said a thing that would lead me to believe you _don’t_ want this.”

Kisumi opens his mouth, but instead of speaking, he lets out a sigh, and breaks eye contact. The aggressive onslaught of insults he fires at himself should really be powerful enough to have him fall over and lie down, but at this point he’s started to get used to it. At least it doesn’t leave bruises.

“Thought so,” Rin says. He cups Kisumi’s cheeks in his hands, forcing Kisumi to look at him before leaning in for a kiss. “See you on Saturday.”

Kisumi manages a dumb nod in response before Rin disappears out the bedroom door and eventually the front door as well, and then he lies back down in bed, hoping he won’t have to get out again all day.

 

* * *

 

The amount of times Kisumi’s gone back and forth wondering whether or not he’d actually go over to Haruka’s tonight is something he can’t even count on his ten fingers. But now he finds himself standing outside Haruka’s house, hesitating in just ringing the goddamn doorbell. If he’s made it all the way over here despite his previous deliberations, he might as well just go for it, get it all over with. He’s pretty sure at least Makoto would ask him the following day why he didn’t come, and Kisumi doesn’t want to lie more than he already is.

He eventually does ring the doorbell—probably being the only one in their group to still do so—and not even a minute later, Haruka appears in front of him. The knowing look in Haruka’s eyes is one of the reasons Kisumi had considered staying at home, because he knew he had it coming.

“Hey,” Haruka greets him, and Kisumi’s throat feels like sandpaper as he swallows. _It’s just Haru. Why so nervous?_ he asks himself, though he knows the answer. It isn’t because it’s Haruka, it’s because of what he has waiting for him when he comes inside. And that doesn’t just mean Rin.

“Haru,” Kisumi responds, smiling a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and barely even counts as a smile to begin with. “Is everyone here, and does that mean I’ve arrived fashionably late?”

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why Kisumi’s asking, but Haruka _is_ one, and knowing him, Kisumi’s pretty sure Haruka had anticipated him to ask in the first place.

“Yeah. Come on, don’t just stand there.”

Haruka lets him in, and Kisumi walks inside, relaxing his shoulders and keeping his back straight as he walks into the living room after his host. He immediately spots Makoto by the kotatsu, and wants to turn around, and the sight of Rin makes him want to escape. Run out the door, jump out the window, sink through the floor—whatever would remove him from what could potentially be a very awkward situation.

If anything, he knows it’ll be tough having to go through this evening just by having Makoto there, and that in and of itself is cause for him to want to get out.

But Kisumi sits himself down, joins the rest of their little group, and tries to enjoy his evening despite everything. They’re his friends, he’s supposed to be able to treat them as such, and yet, he finds it more difficult than ever to stick to his usually flirty and charismatic self. He knows that if he _were_ to act as such among them, he’d have to be the same way with everyone. And being flirty with Rin when Makoto’s in the same room just doesn’t feel right anymore.

He _really_ wishes Rin hadn’t returned his feelings, if he still intends to stay with Makoto. While he hasn’t said anything about it, Kisumi’s certain there aren’t a lot of things that could separate the two. Not even Rin’s feelings for another man. Kisumi would be foolish to think there would be _any_ reason for Rin to leave Makoto for him, because the two are just that inseparable. Besides, Kisumi can’t see himself doing that to Makoto. Having sex with Rin behind his back is bad enough, but completely stealing Rin from Makoto would be too much.

So why’s he still doing this, if he doesn’t actually want Rin completely for himself?

“Kisumi.”

A nudge in his side brings Kisumi back from being deep in his thoughts, and he glances to his side to see Haruka looking at him, giving him that look again that makes Kisumi feel transparent. He inhales through his nose, closes his eyes for a second before he gets up on legs that feel like overcooked noodles.

“Sorry,” he mumbles as he stumbles out into the hallway towards Haruka’s bathroom. He feels like he just can’t stop making bad decisions lately. Not just in coming here tonight when he _knew_ he wouldn’t be able to handle being around Rin and Makoto together, but agreeing to do whatever it is he’s doing with Rin once or twice a week. It’s wrong, he doesn’t have any right to do it, and Rin _really_ shouldn’t help him make these mistakes.

Kisumi locks the door behind him and slides down with his back against it, putting his face in his hands and blocking out everything from his vision. He tries his best not to listen to the sound of his uneven breathing and pounding heartbeat, but it doesn’t quite work when the sounds aren’t coming from the outside.

 _This has to come to an end_ , he tells himself. _Enough_.

There’s a light knock on the door, and Kisumi flinches at the sound.

“Yes?”

“Let me in,” he hears Haruka’s voice muffled from the other side, and he feels a wave of immense relief wash over him at the sound of Haruka’s voice. He sits back upright, standing up, and then unlocks the door for Haruka to walk inside. When he does, Kisumi sits back down on the floor, and Haruka strangely enough joins him.

“What about the others?” he asks, and Haruka shrugs.

“They can entertain themselves. Gou’s a pretty good entertainer.”

Kisumi doesn’t even make an effort to smile or respond verbally, so he just nods once like an idiot again. He wonders just how much Haruka knows, how much he’s been able to figure out at this point. If Haruka was able to decipher the fact that Kisumi has feelings for Rin, it probably wasn’t that difficult for him to put two and two together and see there’s something between Rin and Kisumi that isn’t just friendship. Or maybe Kisumi’s just overestimating Haruka? He doesn’t know anymore.

“I should go,” he says. “Probably not the most fun person to be around right now.”

“You need to stop this, Kisumi. I’m not just saying that as Makoto’s best friend, but as _your_ friend, too. It’s not worth it.”

Kisumi finally manages a smile. “You admitted to being my friend, Haru.”

Haruka snorts at that, but there _is_ a little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

 

* * *

 

 **You** : _need to talk to u. preferably in person_.

 

He sighs, wanting to chuck his phone into the wall and completely shatter it. It’d taken him far too long to send that message despite having only typed it out in less than half a minute. But now it’s done, and he can only hope Rin won’t choose to ignore him because it’s inconvenient for him. Kisumi knows Rin wants this, but he doesn’t want _all_ of it, so that’s why it has to end. A lover of clichés, he finds that ‘all or nothing’ really does fit in this case.

Kisumi’s phone vibrates with a message after less than two minutes, and he takes a deep breath before reading it.

 **Rin** : _sure i’ll come over. miss me that much?_

 

He can’t tell whether or not Rin’s trying to joke away the seriousness of the situation, or if he’s just really that thick. Whatever it is, Kisumi really can’t care less—all he wants is for this entire thing to be over so he can have a chance at picking himself up again and going back to living a somewhat normal life. A life where he _isn’t_ someone’s lover, where he can at least have a chance at falling in love with someone who will want him completely, and not just secretly and whenever it’s convenient for them.

This was _definitely_ not supposed to happen.

Rin arrives, and he’s as cheery as ever when he waltzes in through Kisumi’s door, trying to get a hug and a kiss upon his arrival. Kisumi backs off, lowering his head as he puts his hands on Rin’s shoulders to keep their distance.

“What happened? You look really upset.”

So maybe Rin _isn’t_ that thick, after all.

“I can’t do this,” he says, and his voice comes out lower than he intends it to. He still can’t look Rin in the eye despite knowing he probably should, to assert the gravity of his words.

“Do what?”

“Whatever it is we’re doing! I can’t do it to Makoto.”

He hears a snort, and can only imagine the face Rin’s making. “You’re saying this now, after we’ve had sex… _how_ many times? Kisumi, I _want_ this. I don’t think you get it, but I do.”

“And yet you refuse to break up with Makoto.”

Kisumi finally dares look up just in time to notice Rin’s flinch. He knows he’s right, because if Rin had really wanted this, wanted _Kisumi_ , he would’ve broken up with Makoto weeks ago. Yes, it might be difficult for Rin to break up with someone he’s been with so long, but it’s obvious Rin never had the intent to break up with him in the first place. If he had, Kisumi would’ve known, and it’d be easier to allow a little time for Rin to prepare for a break-up.

“You can’t have both,” he continues. “I don’t want to do this to Makoto, because it isn’t right. He’s my friend.”

Rin frowns at him, his eyebrows sinking slowly as if he’s deep in thought. “It’s not that easy. What do you want me to do? I mean, I can’t just—“

“Nothing,” he cuts off. “I’m doing it for you. I don’t want to do this anymore. If you can’t go back to just being my friend, then so be it. I just can’t do that to him. To… to any of us.”

“What if I broke up with Makoto, then? Would that change your mind?”

Kisumi’s eyes widen, and he pushes Rin up against the wall in his hallway. It’s very reminiscent of a few weeks ago, except back then _he’d_ been the one to be pushed up against the wall, and he’d had Rin’s lips against his own. This time, he’s the one in control, and he doesn’t intend on kissing Rin, no matter how much he really wants to.

“If you’re doing that just to prove a point, I won’t forgive you. I know you love him, and you should stay with him as long as you do. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Hell, you… you weren’t even supposed to _know_ that I love you.”

Rin actually _laughs_ , and this might be the first time Kisumi ever felt tempted to punch him. It wouldn’t even be that much effort, considering how close they’re standing right now. “You’ve never said that before. But yeah, I knew.”

Kisumi takes his hands off Rin’s shoulders, letting his arms fall to his sides. “Even if you break up with Makoto, I won’t get together with you. It’s too late, and we both know you love him too much to do that.”

He attempts a smile, wanting to try and leave this on as peaceful of a note as possible. He knew it’d be ugly no matter what, and that it wouldn’t be easy. There’s the risk that they might not be able to be friends again after this, and it’s a risk Kisumi had been thinking long and hard about whether or not he’d be willing to take. But when it comes to a situation where they’ve both been in the wrong and hurting another friend of his, he really doesn’t have the luxury to decide.

“Let’s just leave this behind us, okay? It was fun while it lasted, and I got to be selfish—but we’ve gotta be adults about this. Realistic. _This_ isn’t realistic.”

Rin lets out a long sigh, and it sounds like he’s truly given up. It hurts, but Kisumi knows that’s for the best; that’s what he’d wanted out of this meeting from the beginning.

“I know,” he finally says. “And you’re right. I’m… sorry.”

It’s strange, because Kisumi feels lighter somehow. His smile now is a genuine one, and while it isn’t his brightest and widest one, it’s a smile nevertheless, and it feels good not having to force it.

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Kisumi!”

He turns around, sees Gou’s running toward him, closely followed by Haruka, and he opens his arms to invite her into his embrace. She practically jumps him, and he tightens his arms around her to support her while she locks her legs around his waist.

“Welcome back home,” he says into her hair, and when she pulls back to look at him, she’s pouting.

“I can’t believe they wouldn’t let you off work for this. You missed out on so much!”

He laughs, setting her down on the ground again. Haruka joins the two and gives Kisumi an acknowledging nod, to which Kisumi can just return a smile. “Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. I assume you took a lot of pictures?”

“I did, and you bet we’re going over them this weekend. You’ll come, right?”

“Of course.”

Behind her, he sees two figures coming closer, walking hand in hand. One of them is talking on the phone—it certainly didn’t take him long to take that thing out of airplane mode after having landed—and the silver band on his left ring finger is clearly visible on the hand that holds the phone to his ear.

Kisumi returns his attention to Gou instead, who’s still excitedly babbling on about the trip to Australia he hadn’t been able to go on. It isn’t anything he’ll ever tell anyone, but he’s glad his boss wouldn’t let him go.

“Come on, let’s not stand around here all day. You guys must be exhausted.”

“And jetlagged,” Gou complains. “I’m so glad you’re driving.”

Makoto and Rin finally stop in front of them. Kisumi greets Makoto with a hug as he normally does, asks him how he’s doing and how the trip was. Makoto, the kind person as he is, responds excitedly and, like Gou, tells Kisumi it was a shame he couldn’t come with them. Kisumi disagrees internally, but tells Makoto he wishes he could’ve been there.

He finally turns to Rin, who thankfully doesn’t hesitate in giving Kisumi a hug. He’s been tanned under the merciless Australian sun, his hair is tied in a little ponytail, and he beams almost too brightly at Kisumi, who returns the smile to the best of his abilities.

“We’re home,” Rin says, and Kisumi swallows the lump in his throat, still smiling. He unclenches the fist by his side that he’d unconsciously tightened a few minutes earlier, and feels the crescent moons engraved in his palm, along with the sting that comes from running his fingertips over them. It’s only temporary, anyway—it’ll go away.

“Yeah. Welcome home.”

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://radiodread.tumblr.com).


End file.
